Who Wouldn't Want to be Me?

I call it "the other foot," sometimes "the other shoe" - and from time to time I just know it is going to drop.

It comes from nowhere without warning. Good days, Bad days, the foot doesn't care. When it gets here. It makes its presence known - sometimes longer than others.

What is it you say, this ominous thing?

Some might call it depression, paranoia, sadness or anxiety. I have learned to just call it, "the foot."

Something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, this horrible feeling of helplessness.

- and it hits me - HARD

I don't mind talking about it. In most if not all moments I am able to be rational and deal with it. Just wait for it to pass.

Sometimes Netter will catch me and ask what is wrong, even she has learned that if I say, "the foot," it is okay to just let it pass. She always asks if she can get me anything or do anything. I usually respond that I just need some time.

It wasn't always this way of course and there have been times in my life when the foot was worse than others.

The key is I know I'm not alone. I am able to reach out to friends and family who will support me through thick and thin. I've built a pretty good network in my 40 years, some good folks - and they mean the world to me.

I am also there for them whenever need be and I support them through their tough times sharing my experience and hopefully providing some help, some relief along the way.

Sometimes you've just got to find a way to be good to yourself and hold on tight.

This all makes the good times even better.

Sitting at dinner with my wife yesterday evening she asked me what I could do, what could we do to make me happier.

I was a bit puzzled.

"You know, in your job. What do you want to be? What are you going to do?"

I considered that for a minute - in truth I don't have the answer. Every day for me now is an opportunity. I'm trying and learning new things, being social, being techie, being positive above all else. I'm happier in my job than I've been in a long, long time.

After a moment I looked at my beautiful wife and I said:

"Who wouldn't want to be me? I'm not saying this just to say this, (okay I really said I'm not saying this just to blow sunshine up your a**) but look at what I have, how lucky I am. I have the world's best wife who supports me in whatever I do. You are my best friend You're a great mother to our children. I have two wonderful kids who are smart, and beautiful, and responsible young adults.

Sure," I continued "I've faced my share of adversity. I've buried a child, my Mom went through a divorce when I was little, I'm sure some things that no one would ever need or want to know about.

Do I wish we had less debt, or new cars or new carpeting for that matter. Sure I do. Who wouldn't? But I'm not going to dwell on those things.

I've got an incredible family. I've got awesome friends. Who wouldn't want to be me?"

Take that "foot."


largesse said...

I hope the foot has not stepped on you today.

You've mentioned some things that can get you down, like debt. I was just thinking, as I read your post, how grateful we can still be that we do have jobs and the means to support our wonderful families in these difficult economic times.

I hope that, in dark times, you can still see light at the end of the tunnel!

WineLover said...

I used to assume that everyone had times like that - I call it the "I've fallen and can't get up" days. I think it does help to look at "the bright side" but only after I've played every slit-my-wrists song on my iPod and gotten it out of my system via the tear ducts.
Your bright side is blinding buddy. :)

Cat said...

"Sometimes you've just got to find a way to be good to yourself and hold on tight."

Bravo, my friend. I'm prayin' for ya.

Liz said...

I call it "the fear." On Sundays after a big weekend with old friends we (jokingly) call it "suicidal Sunday" - those seem to be the days it hits me hardest. I'm sorry to hear you suffer from it too, Jim. Selfishly, it makes me feel better to know that I'm not alone.

It always does pass. Hope there is no foot today.

Seth Simonds said...

Yes, take that!

Every year when the days get very short I spend a few weeks in this grouchy haze most of my friends know is coming and work around. But, like you, I'm glad to be who I am.

I'm delighted that you are finding new things that excite your mind without losing focus on the really important things that make your life special: family!

Thanks for an inspiring post. I'm grateful.


Jim Brochowski said...

Thank you all for taking the time to comment, offer your support, commiserate, or just for stopping by.

The "foot" had not been by yesterday, but thinking about it since I wrote this post hasn't been as cathartic (sp) as I might have hoped.

Trying to avoid dwelling - as I say it is what it is.

Time to find something to plug away at and distract the brain.

Once again - much appreciated.

Until next time,


Julie said...

Yo Twit!

Although I'm still not sure what hit me upside the head the other day, I am so glad I had Rick and you and my friends to pull me through it.

When I'm in the midst of it all, all I want to do is curl up and sleep and cry. I'm feeling so much better today.

Thanks for going to lunch with me on Saturday. It was great just sitting there yapping at Happy Dragon.

Overall, my life is pretty damn great. And I recognize all those wonderful things. But sometimes God just decides to dump a crapload of hormones in me and there I go.

Thanks again for being there for me.


Jim Brochowski said...

Always here for you Jul. I'm glad things are better. Lunch Saturday was terrific. Thank you.

Can't blame hormones though. I don't think my I.G. is that strong. ;-)

Kathy Hennessy said...

OK, I read it. I'm with the foot - mine is that my God has different plans than me. I EXPECT Mike to grow old with me, and when we can no longer recognize eachother or figure out how to use the bathroom, he will take us peacefully and quietly. And that my beautiful daughters will live on, missing me, but confident and competant, and will always know my love is there.

But who knows, and I tell myself that I REFUSE to waste another second worrying and dwelling, but I digress, and I should be kicked repeadtedly for this.

Just makes us think that we do what we can, we are stupid sometimes, and thank GOD that these incredible people love us (I count you in there!)


Jim Brochowski said...


Thank you for reading. I think you're incredible too.

I love you!