My very wise Mrs.

I’m not big on conflict. Even when I have the occasional argument around the house I tend to catch myself and let it go. My wife is usually, (read 99.9% of the time) right anyway, and my kids are really good kids with good hearts. 

Not much is worth fighting about.

Not much gets me amped up at all really. Maybe sports, particularly hockey, but even there I don’t yell and scream at the television like I used to.

When I need to advocate for my kids though... that’s when it’s on. I am a very protective Papa Chow, and I will do whatever I need to do to take care of my kids. All of them.

Which is where I think this all started. I’m not going to go into all the sordid details, but it lasted about a week, involved an incredible amount of discussion and in the end, once I knew things were taken care of, it was over.

I thought.

I’m realizing though that it wasn’t over. Not by a long shot.

I’m realizing that being in that defensive mode has carried forward and I’ve been putting up some walls.

I’m realizing that for a person who doesn’t usually know how to say: “no” I have been subconsciously saying: “leave me alone.” Emphatically.

Easy things have become complicated, even difficult, and that just doesn’t need to be.

When I woke up this morning, this all hit me like a ton of bricks. By the time I had arrived at work, or about 2 hours later I had some clarity. I’m still working it out because it’s still new, but it’s time to take those walls down.

I told Netter the other day that I thought “Skinny Jim” seemed like kind of a jerk, or an ass. Which probably was the beginning of recognizing the walls, now that I think about it.

She told me that was not the case, that I just needed to stop over extending myself and learn to be more patient, particularly with myself, and that the timing, (with the weight loss) was just coincidence.

Wise woman that Netter. Don’t you think?

I'm Am Not Dead

J. “Hi Honey, How are you?”

A: “I’m fine.”

J: “What are you up to?”

A: “Not much in the 20 minutes since you left...”

So would go the conversation every Tuesday as I drove to my hockey game. I had to call my wife when I was about 10 minutes from the rink...

Because I was afraid I might die on the ice.

I know that sounds overly dramatic, but in looking back on why I always called then, but don’t often call now - I’m realizing that’s why I did it.

I’m 5’7” tall, and I weighed 210 pounds.

I couldn’t give up the game I love, but I also knew I was taking a chance, or at least I felt like it.

I was afraid I might die.

I tell this story now because I’m about to head into the one year anniversary of the weekend where I truly made the decision to lose the weight and make changes to my lifestyle and eating habits.

It’s March Madness Baby!

Every year for the past 10 years I’ve headed out to meet some friends at a local bar and grill for the first weekend of the NCAA College Basketball Tournament. Over the course of the weekend we sample all and any parts of the menu, we have some beverages, we put the outside world aside, and we live basketball for pretty much 72 hours. It’s tradition. I love my friends. I love the camaraderie. I love the good time. Last year, I learned to love the salad.

This year, I love March Madness because it marks a significant point in my life. A point where I had to admit to myself that I felt like crap... a lot, that it was time to take stock, to turn some things around-

to live.

I feel like I’m doing things the right way. It’s not some crazy diet. I didn’t change who I am.

I am not finished.

I am not dead.

We Are All Good at Something

Some of you have heard this one, but I need to share it again today.

I once took my brother in law for a ride in the only new car I've ever owned. (Long time ago)

"What kind of engine does this have in it?" he asked.

I quickly replied: "A black one."

"Really," he said "How do you know?"

"Well because I opened the hood and looked and it's black." "Oh wait," I stopped myself. "It's a V6."

Laughing he replied: "How do you know that?"

"Because there's a sticker on the side that says V6, and I know that has something to do with engines."

I often tell this story at the end of the basic computing classics I teach when my students are telling me they still don’t think they can do it, or they feel inadequate, or they’re still clearly afraid, for lack of a better word.

I stop them and I ask them if they have something that they are good at. Of course, they always reply yes, and I tell them that everybody has something they are good at, something they can do better than other folks, and the reason is because they need to / want to do that, and in this day and age, they will probably need to or want to do something, eventually, that will require a computer and then they will have buy in.

I then tell the story above finishing by sharing with them then that once I started paying for auto repair I had a reason to know more about engines. Save for replacing a battery and basic things like wiper blades and tail lights I never did learn to repair cars,  but I can tell the difference between when my alternator is going bad, and when my thermostat is stuck, and I know there’s no such thing as a “wobble shaft.” At least I think there’s no such thing as a wobble shaft. ;-)

In general, they get it, and they walk away smiling,  feeling good about being good at something which hopefully will give them confidence to go on and learn new things, and improve themselves.

We all are good at something. Say it with me. Say it out loud.

I think, and I’m seeing a lot lately everybody spending so much time focusing on what they need to do, and what they can’t do, or don’t think they are capable of doing... and I wonder why instead of focusing on the can’t, they don’t focus on the “how can I learn?” or “Who do I know that can teach me / help me?”

We were all put here together for a reason.

You know, it’s just a thought.

Have a good weekend!

Be Happy Where You Are... Part 1

A little series here as I’m on vacation with lots of time to ponder.

Here’s the first installment...

I often think we make things too complicated in our  world. We never seem to be satisfifed with what we have, where we are. We're always on the lookout for ways to get ahead, to make ourselves better, to change things, to... well just be different.

Here's my question

What's wrong with where we are?

I was at breakfast with an old friend a few weeks ago. He's seen a fair share of trials and tribulations in the last few years, but I could tell as we were talking that he's come to a place where he is finally - happy.

We talked a great deal about what's been going on in our lives, family, kids, jobs, and such. When we were finished he said: "I'm just happy where I am you know. 'Be happy where you are, that's all that matters.'"

It struck me that I feel very much the same way. I've spent sooooooo much time over the last few years trying to change, to adjust, to get better. It's all chronicled here, over and over, time after time...

But lately?

Not so much.

In March of this year I stepped on the scale. The number I'm ashamed to say was a whopping 210 pounds. I know there are bigger numbers, people who weigh more, but at all of 5' 7" - 210 is a pretty big number. I admit I walked around in shock for a few hours that day, trying to convince myself that it didn't mean anything. After all, I had been gaining weight for quite sometime. I've talked before here about weighing 202. Obviously, that didn't bother me as much as I thought it did - Because now I weighed 210.

Now, if you ask me I'll tell you, but I'm not going to break down all the hows  and whys today. I will share that there's an app called "myfitnesspal," that I owe a debt of gratitude for showing me that the best diet is paying attention to what you're putting into your body and trying to get some exercise. (I also owe a great deal of gratitude to my wife, but you knew that if you are paying attention.)

I am aware that life isn't all about fitness levels, but I have to tell you - Feeling healthy - sure makes the rest of life a heckuva lot easier to tackle. But we can talk about that another time.

Today - I tip the scales some 30 pounds lighter (pre-vacation - although I'm trying to keep it sensible) and though I've more to go, I'm happy - where I am.

Because the lesson is - If you're not happy where you are...

Um, maybe you should find a way to get there.

Writing today from the Isle of Palm, and happy where I am.

Resolved for Dummies

As I paddled backwards I watched Netter working on her reel and line and realized that for the first time, in pretty much ever, I was going to have to do this myself.

Patiently, I maneuvered the canoe so it angled just so. Quietly I put down my paddle and picked up my rod. A quick side arm flick of the wrist putting my line exactly where I knew he was...

Pow, the fish grabbed my artificial worm and started to swim.

Furiously I started to reel him in, then remembered that I needed to be more patient and not let him jump, or otherwise find a way to pull away from my line... and there he was.

As I put down my fishing pole and pulled the fish from the water I could see that he wasn’t all that special. Average size, not all that big, not even as big as two I had caught the day before actually, but there was a difference.

I didn’t wait for Netter to help paddle me into position, or wait for her to say: “Good cast Honey,” to know I had gotten it right. I had put all the lessons of our 19 previous trips to Akita, everything Ranger Annette, (as we only half jokingly call her) and her Dad had taught me, grabbed opportunity by the hand and I just caught it. I mean I just did it.

You know... like the Nike commercial.

Incredible satisfaction, the only one of my fish we took a picture of the whole weekend in fact.

Today, I am focusing on that as we mark the 18th anniversary of the passing of our daughter Meghan Joy.

I’m reflecting a lot on past and current successes and wondering why sometimes it takes me so long to learn.

Just do it Jim!

In February of last year I let loose my rant of a lifetime...

Because I wasn’t getting anything done.

For the remainder of 2011 I tried to “get stuff done.”

I had my three words and I tried to stick to those, but as 2012 approached I realized that I wasn’t going to accomplish everything I had set out to in 2011, and I needed to find more time, to get stuff done.

I’ve held off talking about it here because I didn’t want to have yet another - New Year’s or Lenten resolution, reflection, good gawd you’re making me gag with all this mushy, gushy life is too short, fulfill your dreams blah, blah, blah, blah, BLAH... and so on...

But as I sit here today and think about Meghan Joy, the Foundation we have established in her memory, and the children we have helped because of her with our golf tournament and bowling outing, I can’t help but think about how important it is to actually DO things.

After I did that little time study last year I started doing things. Instead of finding systems, and books, and ways to get organized and accomplish more, and blah, blah, blah... I just started doing things.

This pile - where does it go? Move it!
That pile - what do I need to do with that? Do it!
That phone call. That letter. Make it. Send it.

Just do it.

It still becomes quite a process sometimes, and I admit that I still overthink things, and I am very guilty of finding tasks that “need to be done,” to replace tasks that “really need to be done.” (I call this cleaning the junk drawer, a theory derived from this article by one of my favorite writers.)

Still, I’ve been steadily pecking away at things, finding the most success with getting healthy - which I thought would actually be the most difficult of the 3 words I wanted to tackle. (Or maybe getting healthy is cleaning out my junk drawer.)

I've been working on it since March 12 because I was supposed to start working with a trainer that day, but hurt my knee. I had to rehab it anyway so I stuck to the diet part of the deal and started with work in the hot tub, then walking, skating, onto the elliptical, and a new obsession with biking. I just told the trainer I would probably not be back because I really enjoy the cardio work I’ve been doing, although I really do get a lot from being on his email list with the fitness information he shares. I must confess I don’t agree with all of it, but I am learning and also remembering a lot from when I worked out as a young person.  

I've done something every day since with a couple of exceptions. I took the first weekend of March Madness off to spend time with buddies doing what buddies do when they are watching basketball. Would not have been a pretty calorie count, although I did cut out the fried food, pizza, and such after day 1. I also sometimes cheat on Saturdays and depending what I'm doing that can get a little out of hand. I'm coming into this with an open mind trying to learn and make changes that will be long term. As of today I’m proud to report I’ve lost 15 pounds and I’m halfway to my goal.

In the meantime, aside from the health kick I’m just doing the work. It takes me away from the blog and some other mediums more than I’d like, but in the long haul I think it will make for more quality in all areas of my life.

I am resolved to make it so.

YMMV.

There are 30 celebrities, 10 Brochowskis I don’t know, and 11 businesses or brands. There are 30 who I’ve never met, save for 2 phone calls, 30 I only know in passing, and 22 I’ve never met who are local who I’m making it my goal to try and meet soon. This leaves about 716 that I’ve met and know. I might have worked with them.  I definitely have a memory of them, and I can probably identify their voice. Many I see on a daily, or at least weekly to monthly basis.

Of course I’m talking about my Facebook Friend list.

But why?

Sunday, I heard a friend say that all this great technology was actually ruining “real communication.” I of course balked at this. I love this great technology. I think it has actually enhanced communication. In the interest of keeping the peace I didn’t argue with my friend.

Yesterday I noted that more than a few folks are “giving up Facebook for Lent,” so I shared this observation on my Timeline.

“I suppose it could just be me, but if you give up Facebook or some other social network for Lent aren't you really just saying: ‘I don't value those relationships so I'm okay with just blowing them off for 40 days?’”

i.e. In other words, ergo and forsooth, I think giving up Facebook could ruin (at least some part of) communication.

But that’s just my opinion, which is why I posted that. I wanted to have the discussion that followed.

Responses ranged from 100% agreement to Facebook is too new to establish cultural norms to  “Or is it saying because I value those relationships/form of communication, I am willing to give up something valuable to me for God for Lent?”

I agree with every one of them.

What?

Okay, no not really.

I understand that there are many who see social networks like Facebook, Twitter, and even blogs as nothing more than idle pursuits. Even folks who participate in those mediums sometimes downplay them as being nothing more than time wasters, stuff to do when there is nothing else to do.

But that’s not me.

I see social networks as valuable additions to those tools we already had at our disposal for communication because to me it’s not about the tools.

It’s about the people. Plain.And.Simple.

Now, I’m not passing judgment on folks who have decided to give up Facebook for Lent if they see that as a true sacrifice, if they just need a break, if they are resolved to use other perhaps more personal forms of communication to reach out to people in their lives. If they are trying to strengthen their relationships I’m all for that, and I will allow that my statement in passing doesn’t allow for their reasoning behind their decisions, not that they owe anybody an explanation.

But I wonder if we realize the true power of all these tools as we put them to use every day. I wonder if we understand the implications of our actions? Do we get that we might only know about what’s going on in each other’s lives because of our social network, and how valuable just knowing is to one friend, or another.

While I might know, in person, at least 700 some odd people on my friend list I am very aware that in all likelihood, without these tools I would not have the contact, the interactions with many of them that I have now, and I don’t believe for a second that would be a good thing. Not at all.

Don’t misunderstand -

I get that Facebook is “just Facebook,” and Twitter is “just Twitter,” etc... and so on...

I value personal interaction more than any other form of communication. I’d like to sit with all of you for hours, conversing deep into the night holding a beverage in hand, wiping a tear, or sharing a laugh.

Unfortunately, as we all know, that’s not possible. There just aren’t enough hours in the day, or dollars in the bank account for the travel necessary to bring us together.

While I would never advocate for replacing a personal interaction, a letter, an email, or even a phone call, (okay maybe a phone call - I do hate the phone) I would hope that folks might realize and value the social network communication that sometimes might have to suffice, and be grateful for it rather than seeing it as a commodity that we can simply cast aside.

Your Mileage May Vary.

Stuff...

I’ve been thinking a lot lately, okay for at least the last few weeks, about accumulation.

Maybe it’s because it is the season for accumulating. Maybe it’s the boxes and boxes... and boxes and boxes... and boxes and boxes...

And did I mention boxes? … of Christmas stuff Netter puts up to decorate each year.
(I like to tease her, but the truth is I really love the holiday decor. Shhh... don’t tell her. ;-)

It might be the lists that propagate this time of year. Grocery lists, guest lists, gift lists, lists for Santa and the like

Perhaps, it is because it’s that time of year when we all get together with our families, when we are reminded of our roots, of things that we learned as kids, traditions, stories, the evolution of ourselves, likes, dislikes, new likes, new dislikes... and you know … the like.
(last time, I promise)

For some one supposes a little more inventory is taken when we are inside all winter. Perhaps we notice more the number of material possessions we, (Hey, I’m saying we. Go with it.) tend to gather to our nests. Boxes upon boxes, closet full upon closet full, drawer upon drawer, pile on the desk upon pile on the desk.

For me it could be based on observing our oldest K, home from her first quarter at school, bringing with her a large accumulation of laundry among other things. How did she fit all that in that dorm room?

But I digress...

As I think about all of this stuff I wonder how it all comes together, seemingly without our knowing it is even happening. A lifetime of experience, and junk all rolled into one... Or do we know? Do we choose to ignore the stuff? Do we embrace the stuff?

I’m talking about some important stuff here.

It’s not always a bad thing - At our MJB Foundation board meeting last week I remarked that we had never really had a “business plan, “ that we had sort of hodged and podged and cut and pasted and put it altogether without ever really planning on what was happening next. Outside of our events we’re not always sure what’s happening, what’s going on... from one moment to the next and while some of that is circumstance the fact remains that  we are still helping kids, helping children experience the JOY of childhood. Don’t get me wrong, we are trying to find better ways, to plan better, to streamline and regulate, but while not knowing is sometimes frustrating it doesn’t take away from the fact that we have done some good along the way, and we should celebrate that success even as we try and improve for the future.

But there area also times when the junk piles up, when the stuff is overwhelming, when we don’t want to go, or don’t want to relate, or don’t want to deal with that... at least not right now.

Still you have to get there somehow....

But again, how does this stuff get here? How did it manage to accumulate without us even noticing? Does life go so fast, do the years fly by so quickly that we can manage to miss so much even when we think we are taking note of everything? Or did we notice after all?

Is it poor planning, good planning, a mistake, a success?

I’m not assigning a value here. I’m really just wondering... How does it all come together, how do we ease the flow, stem the change (charge?), let loose the tide...

Oh wait, that’s another blog post - or is it? (Did I mix up my metaphors?) Are we perhaps more in control than we realize? I mean, I know I make my own decisions.

Right Honey? ;-)

Seriously, I suspect we all have stuff, at least to a varying degree...


I wonder what might happen, how it would look, if we took it all away?