I'm Am Not Dead

J. “Hi Honey, How are you?”

A: “I’m fine.”

J: “What are you up to?”

A: “Not much in the 20 minutes since you left...”

So would go the conversation every Tuesday as I drove to my hockey game. I had to call my wife when I was about 10 minutes from the rink...

Because I was afraid I might die on the ice.

I know that sounds overly dramatic, but in looking back on why I always called then, but don’t often call now - I’m realizing that’s why I did it.

I’m 5’7” tall, and I weighed 210 pounds.

I couldn’t give up the game I love, but I also knew I was taking a chance, or at least I felt like it.

I was afraid I might die.

I tell this story now because I’m about to head into the one year anniversary of the weekend where I truly made the decision to lose the weight and make changes to my lifestyle and eating habits.

It’s March Madness Baby!

Every year for the past 10 years I’ve headed out to meet some friends at a local bar and grill for the first weekend of the NCAA College Basketball Tournament. Over the course of the weekend we sample all and any parts of the menu, we have some beverages, we put the outside world aside, and we live basketball for pretty much 72 hours. It’s tradition. I love my friends. I love the camaraderie. I love the good time. Last year, I learned to love the salad.

This year, I love March Madness because it marks a significant point in my life. A point where I had to admit to myself that I felt like crap... a lot, that it was time to take stock, to turn some things around-

to live.

I feel like I’m doing things the right way. It’s not some crazy diet. I didn’t change who I am.

I am not finished.

I am not dead.

Never eat when you're angry

Ordinarily things like this just roll off my back, but today... Here's the story -

I went into a local eating establishment for lunch / dinner. (What do you call it when it's 4:00 p.m.?)

I was greeted with a hearty welcome to... Okay, no I wasn't, but I usually am.

A nice young lady came to the counter and asked me what I would like.

I'll have a.. "Um, excuse me," a voice interrupted from the side. "Can you tell me..."

The nice young lady went to answer that query.

Another young man came to the counter. "What can I get you sir?"

I would like a..."Um, can I get some water..." another voice interrupted... and the young man was gone.

Deep breath Jimmer. "Does somebody want to help me?"

The young man returned. "I'm sorry sir, what did you say?"

I said, "Does somebody want to help me?"

I just went to give that girl a cup. What, you having a bad day or something?

Insert screeching tire noise here. Did anybody else see that needle come off that record?

I couldn't help myself. "Forget it!" I snapped. I told the guy behind me to go ahead. To his credit, he just stood there and watched.

What sir?

I wheeled around - "She asked me what I wanted and then went to help that person. You asked me what I wanted and then went to help that other person. I.AM.STANDING.RIGHT.HERE...IN.LINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Um, do you still want your sandwich?"

I did. I was hungry, and I have a long night ahead of me.

He hustled to finish making my sandwich, the transaction ended. He chopped $.50 off the price of my sandwich and offered me a free drink which I declined.

I then learned an entirely new lesson.

Never eat when you're angry.

Commence stomach ache.

!Sigh!

If Jim Brochowski can do it...

Maybe this is why:

As I stood up at third base I could see him looking at me and shaking his head. I had just smashed, (Hey I was 13 I still smashed things.) the ball into the fence in left field and while I was disappointed it didn’t go over I was also thrilled with what was probably the best hit of my life.
I scored on the next play and as I walked up to my Dad he said: “Just think how far it would have gone if it had been a strike.”

Ouch!

He was right though, the ball I hit was pitched almost over my head. As the infamous movie line goes: I like the high ones!

Now, I love my Dad and I don’t blame him for anything about my upbringing, but my point is I always have greater expectations, It’s taken a long time for me to learn how to be satisfied, and well, I don’t handle praise all that well.

The year to date has been a good one. The MJB Foundation has raised almost $7,000 with an event still to come, I’ve lost 42 pounds, (as of this morning), and I learned a couple of weeks ago that I’m to be inducted into my high school’s hall of fame, mostly for my work with the foundation.

Right and left I’m being congratulated and praised. Folks are using words like inspirational, and...

… And I have no idea how to handle this.

My wife even wants to have a celebratory get together after the HOF induction. She created a Facebook event, and made me a host so I can invite people who are on my friends list, but maybe not on hers.

Really?

“Hi, Come celebrate me?”

That just feels wrong. Egotistical, making a big deal out of nothing. To me, it’s just weird.

I feel like if I can do what I do, anybody can do what I do, and the reality is it’s not me. It’s an incredibly supportive family. It’s a whole team of people. It’s hundreds of supporters. It’s the folks who inspire me that help me do the things I do. They’re the ones who deserve the recognition.

I’m told I just need to learn to say thank you and move on, but when people are heaping this high praise, thank you doesn’t seem like enough. Not even close.

A friend once told me that she loves exclamation points because they add emphasis to what is otherwise ordinary. Okay - let’s give this a try...

Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Be Happy Where You Are... Part 1

A little series here as I’m on vacation with lots of time to ponder.

Here’s the first installment...

I often think we make things too complicated in our  world. We never seem to be satisfifed with what we have, where we are. We're always on the lookout for ways to get ahead, to make ourselves better, to change things, to... well just be different.

Here's my question

What's wrong with where we are?

I was at breakfast with an old friend a few weeks ago. He's seen a fair share of trials and tribulations in the last few years, but I could tell as we were talking that he's come to a place where he is finally - happy.

We talked a great deal about what's been going on in our lives, family, kids, jobs, and such. When we were finished he said: "I'm just happy where I am you know. 'Be happy where you are, that's all that matters.'"

It struck me that I feel very much the same way. I've spent sooooooo much time over the last few years trying to change, to adjust, to get better. It's all chronicled here, over and over, time after time...

But lately?

Not so much.

In March of this year I stepped on the scale. The number I'm ashamed to say was a whopping 210 pounds. I know there are bigger numbers, people who weigh more, but at all of 5' 7" - 210 is a pretty big number. I admit I walked around in shock for a few hours that day, trying to convince myself that it didn't mean anything. After all, I had been gaining weight for quite sometime. I've talked before here about weighing 202. Obviously, that didn't bother me as much as I thought it did - Because now I weighed 210.

Now, if you ask me I'll tell you, but I'm not going to break down all the hows  and whys today. I will share that there's an app called "myfitnesspal," that I owe a debt of gratitude for showing me that the best diet is paying attention to what you're putting into your body and trying to get some exercise. (I also owe a great deal of gratitude to my wife, but you knew that if you are paying attention.)

I am aware that life isn't all about fitness levels, but I have to tell you - Feeling healthy - sure makes the rest of life a heckuva lot easier to tackle. But we can talk about that another time.

Today - I tip the scales some 30 pounds lighter (pre-vacation - although I'm trying to keep it sensible) and though I've more to go, I'm happy - where I am.

Because the lesson is - If you're not happy where you are...

Um, maybe you should find a way to get there.

Writing today from the Isle of Palm, and happy where I am.

Resolved for Dummies

As I paddled backwards I watched Netter working on her reel and line and realized that for the first time, in pretty much ever, I was going to have to do this myself.

Patiently, I maneuvered the canoe so it angled just so. Quietly I put down my paddle and picked up my rod. A quick side arm flick of the wrist putting my line exactly where I knew he was...

Pow, the fish grabbed my artificial worm and started to swim.

Furiously I started to reel him in, then remembered that I needed to be more patient and not let him jump, or otherwise find a way to pull away from my line... and there he was.

As I put down my fishing pole and pulled the fish from the water I could see that he wasn’t all that special. Average size, not all that big, not even as big as two I had caught the day before actually, but there was a difference.

I didn’t wait for Netter to help paddle me into position, or wait for her to say: “Good cast Honey,” to know I had gotten it right. I had put all the lessons of our 19 previous trips to Akita, everything Ranger Annette, (as we only half jokingly call her) and her Dad had taught me, grabbed opportunity by the hand and I just caught it. I mean I just did it.

You know... like the Nike commercial.

Incredible satisfaction, the only one of my fish we took a picture of the whole weekend in fact.

Today, I am focusing on that as we mark the 18th anniversary of the passing of our daughter Meghan Joy.

I’m reflecting a lot on past and current successes and wondering why sometimes it takes me so long to learn.

Just do it Jim!

In February of last year I let loose my rant of a lifetime...

Because I wasn’t getting anything done.

For the remainder of 2011 I tried to “get stuff done.”

I had my three words and I tried to stick to those, but as 2012 approached I realized that I wasn’t going to accomplish everything I had set out to in 2011, and I needed to find more time, to get stuff done.

I’ve held off talking about it here because I didn’t want to have yet another - New Year’s or Lenten resolution, reflection, good gawd you’re making me gag with all this mushy, gushy life is too short, fulfill your dreams blah, blah, blah, blah, BLAH... and so on...

But as I sit here today and think about Meghan Joy, the Foundation we have established in her memory, and the children we have helped because of her with our golf tournament and bowling outing, I can’t help but think about how important it is to actually DO things.

After I did that little time study last year I started doing things. Instead of finding systems, and books, and ways to get organized and accomplish more, and blah, blah, blah... I just started doing things.

This pile - where does it go? Move it!
That pile - what do I need to do with that? Do it!
That phone call. That letter. Make it. Send it.

Just do it.

It still becomes quite a process sometimes, and I admit that I still overthink things, and I am very guilty of finding tasks that “need to be done,” to replace tasks that “really need to be done.” (I call this cleaning the junk drawer, a theory derived from this article by one of my favorite writers.)

Still, I’ve been steadily pecking away at things, finding the most success with getting healthy - which I thought would actually be the most difficult of the 3 words I wanted to tackle. (Or maybe getting healthy is cleaning out my junk drawer.)

I've been working on it since March 12 because I was supposed to start working with a trainer that day, but hurt my knee. I had to rehab it anyway so I stuck to the diet part of the deal and started with work in the hot tub, then walking, skating, onto the elliptical, and a new obsession with biking. I just told the trainer I would probably not be back because I really enjoy the cardio work I’ve been doing, although I really do get a lot from being on his email list with the fitness information he shares. I must confess I don’t agree with all of it, but I am learning and also remembering a lot from when I worked out as a young person.  

I've done something every day since with a couple of exceptions. I took the first weekend of March Madness off to spend time with buddies doing what buddies do when they are watching basketball. Would not have been a pretty calorie count, although I did cut out the fried food, pizza, and such after day 1. I also sometimes cheat on Saturdays and depending what I'm doing that can get a little out of hand. I'm coming into this with an open mind trying to learn and make changes that will be long term. As of today I’m proud to report I’ve lost 15 pounds and I’m halfway to my goal.

In the meantime, aside from the health kick I’m just doing the work. It takes me away from the blog and some other mediums more than I’d like, but in the long haul I think it will make for more quality in all areas of my life.

I am resolved to make it so.

“He’s gonna be late for his life.”

 “He’s gonna be late for his life.”

That’s what the announcer said. He wasn’t talking about me of course, only making a general statement about some  less than successful folks, but this has been resonating in my head for the better part of the last week.

We live in an a.m. world, and I am a p.m. person. I didn’t choose to be this way, it’s just how I’m wired. Always have been. I come by it honestly. My Mom is a p.m. person. My Grandfather was a p.m. person. Just never big fans of morning...

This can be, well no it is a problem in an a.m. world, which let’s face it is the world we live in.

Very often, I am late in the morning. Usually I can make an early tee time or hockey tournament game. Beyond that, don’t hold your breath. I’m never “really” late of course. Just enough to rub the morning people the wrong way. They look down their nose, unapprovingly, shake their head, make me feel about “this” big and I vow that I’m going to... I’m gonna change.

“I’m gonna.” There’s that phrase again. That nickname my parents tagged me with when I was a kid. I don’t like that phrase, that name at all.

Still, I have a lifetime of I’m gonna, and last week I couldn’t help but wonder:

“Am I late for my life?”

As fate would have it Netter and I ended up spending last weekend away. Well, technically we were still in town, but her company’s annual meeting was being held at the Easton Hilton. We decided to take advantage of the room supplied by her employer and take a mini-weekend. As it turns out we both spent more time working than playing, but it was the time away, out of the ordinary routine that made the trip important.

Fancy digs like this can make one’s mind wander, and wonder what could be different...


I spent a lot, a WHOLE LOT of time thinking about things I have and haven’t done. Accomplishments and failures, dreams realized and unfulfilled, projects, stressors, “what ifs,” could haves, would haves, and should have beens... Some things I hadn’t thought about in years, others are on my mind every single second, of every single minute, of every single hour, of every single day. The fog can get pretty thick sometimes. 

I needed this time to find a way to see through.


One thing screamed at me.

Every failure, every shortcoming, every “not yet accomplished” came back to one set of factors.

I didn’t know how. I didn’t know who to ask for help. I was afraid of what might happen if I even tried.

Kinda sad really eh?

To add to my melancholy, while I was going through all of this “self-examination” my wife was enjoying one of the high points of her  career, at least from my point of view. Her skills were in demand, she was needed everywhere she went, folks could not have spoken more highly of her when she introduced me to them throughout the weekend.

As I schlepped off to work myself yesterday, dressed in my sweatshirt and jeans I said goodbye to Netter and her co-workers, in all their professional attire, I was very happy for and proud of my wife and all that she’s accomplished in her career. At the same time, I was never more sad for myself.

Pretty selfish I know.

Fortunately, the fat lady has not yet begun to sing.

Keeping in mind my 3 words for 2011, I’ve decided to take some decisive action. Today, I made an appointment to talk with a job coach, someone who can help me identify what it is that I do, what it is that I’m good at, what I bring to the table and help me find a career where I can feel as valued as my wife is in her job, where I can feel the same success, the same sense of fulfillment.

I love my library, but the truth is I haven’t had that there in quite some time.

I’m also publicly appealing for someone to help me with our finances, to give me an honest objective viewpoint of the mess we are dealing with, listen to my ideas for straightening things out and tell me whether I’m crazy or if I might be onto something. I have another post I’ve been working on about the budget. It’s probably the next post in fact, but for now - this is my public appeal for help.

Of course, health is also one of my 3 words, and I am hopeful that working on the 2 things above will also help me to begin to improve on that as well. I can't help but think that losing the stress from words 1 and 2 will help an awful lot with the 3rd.


Yes, I said "HELP."


I hope I’m not too late.

What's Next? (and Thank you!)

To answer the question - yes, I feel much better. I also feel great about the reaction to yesterday’s post. You never know what to expect when you put out your first profanity laced tirade, (at least that’s what it seemed like at first) for folks to read. But you all made me understand that it wasn’t that at all, but instead was an important turning point, something to be well, proud of, and something to build on. Thank you!

So here goes - This is where I’m trying to go. This is what I’m trying to accomplish.

Every year, at least since I’ve been following his work Chris Brogan comes up with three words that will be his “guiding pillars” for what he will focus on in the coming year. Like me, Chris isn’t so much a fan of resolutions. He doesn’t think they help him very much. I kind of feel the same. Your mileage may vary. That’s okay.

In any case, Chris uses his words as a lighthouse, (his word) for his actions and efforts in the coming year. I do something like this with what I call True Intent, (Just scroll down a little if you want to read about True Intent. In reality that post is way too long, but it was my first year blogging so...) but that’s more about relationships and understanding other’s actions than it is about my own actions and my own goals for myself.

So this year, rather than saying something like: “Wow, that’s great that Chris does that. I really admire his work ethic,” I decided to come up with my own words. So I commented on Chris’ post.  

“All prefaced by change:

Career, Finance, Health - I keep talking about these, but never focus on them. Until they are fixed the rest is meaningless. Once they are fixed, the rest is everything.”

Those are my 3 words… and that’s where I started, and where I’m starting again after the temporary setback I talked about yesterday.

Do you have 3 words? Do you do resolutions?

What do you think?