My very wise Mrs.

I’m not big on conflict. Even when I have the occasional argument around the house I tend to catch myself and let it go. My wife is usually, (read 99.9% of the time) right anyway, and my kids are really good kids with good hearts. 

Not much is worth fighting about.

Not much gets me amped up at all really. Maybe sports, particularly hockey, but even there I don’t yell and scream at the television like I used to.

When I need to advocate for my kids though... that’s when it’s on. I am a very protective Papa Chow, and I will do whatever I need to do to take care of my kids. All of them.

Which is where I think this all started. I’m not going to go into all the sordid details, but it lasted about a week, involved an incredible amount of discussion and in the end, once I knew things were taken care of, it was over.

I thought.

I’m realizing though that it wasn’t over. Not by a long shot.

I’m realizing that being in that defensive mode has carried forward and I’ve been putting up some walls.

I’m realizing that for a person who doesn’t usually know how to say: “no” I have been subconsciously saying: “leave me alone.” Emphatically.

Easy things have become complicated, even difficult, and that just doesn’t need to be.

When I woke up this morning, this all hit me like a ton of bricks. By the time I had arrived at work, or about 2 hours later I had some clarity. I’m still working it out because it’s still new, but it’s time to take those walls down.

I told Netter the other day that I thought “Skinny Jim” seemed like kind of a jerk, or an ass. Which probably was the beginning of recognizing the walls, now that I think about it.

She told me that was not the case, that I just needed to stop over extending myself and learn to be more patient, particularly with myself, and that the timing, (with the weight loss) was just coincidence.

Wise woman that Netter. Don’t you think?

I'm Am Not Dead

J. “Hi Honey, How are you?”

A: “I’m fine.”

J: “What are you up to?”

A: “Not much in the 20 minutes since you left...”

So would go the conversation every Tuesday as I drove to my hockey game. I had to call my wife when I was about 10 minutes from the rink...

Because I was afraid I might die on the ice.

I know that sounds overly dramatic, but in looking back on why I always called then, but don’t often call now - I’m realizing that’s why I did it.

I’m 5’7” tall, and I weighed 210 pounds.

I couldn’t give up the game I love, but I also knew I was taking a chance, or at least I felt like it.

I was afraid I might die.

I tell this story now because I’m about to head into the one year anniversary of the weekend where I truly made the decision to lose the weight and make changes to my lifestyle and eating habits.

It’s March Madness Baby!

Every year for the past 10 years I’ve headed out to meet some friends at a local bar and grill for the first weekend of the NCAA College Basketball Tournament. Over the course of the weekend we sample all and any parts of the menu, we have some beverages, we put the outside world aside, and we live basketball for pretty much 72 hours. It’s tradition. I love my friends. I love the camaraderie. I love the good time. Last year, I learned to love the salad.

This year, I love March Madness because it marks a significant point in my life. A point where I had to admit to myself that I felt like crap... a lot, that it was time to take stock, to turn some things around-

to live.

I feel like I’m doing things the right way. It’s not some crazy diet. I didn’t change who I am.

I am not finished.

I am not dead.

Be Happy Where You Are... Part 1

A little series here as I’m on vacation with lots of time to ponder.

Here’s the first installment...

I often think we make things too complicated in our  world. We never seem to be satisfifed with what we have, where we are. We're always on the lookout for ways to get ahead, to make ourselves better, to change things, to... well just be different.

Here's my question

What's wrong with where we are?

I was at breakfast with an old friend a few weeks ago. He's seen a fair share of trials and tribulations in the last few years, but I could tell as we were talking that he's come to a place where he is finally - happy.

We talked a great deal about what's been going on in our lives, family, kids, jobs, and such. When we were finished he said: "I'm just happy where I am you know. 'Be happy where you are, that's all that matters.'"

It struck me that I feel very much the same way. I've spent sooooooo much time over the last few years trying to change, to adjust, to get better. It's all chronicled here, over and over, time after time...

But lately?

Not so much.

In March of this year I stepped on the scale. The number I'm ashamed to say was a whopping 210 pounds. I know there are bigger numbers, people who weigh more, but at all of 5' 7" - 210 is a pretty big number. I admit I walked around in shock for a few hours that day, trying to convince myself that it didn't mean anything. After all, I had been gaining weight for quite sometime. I've talked before here about weighing 202. Obviously, that didn't bother me as much as I thought it did - Because now I weighed 210.

Now, if you ask me I'll tell you, but I'm not going to break down all the hows  and whys today. I will share that there's an app called "myfitnesspal," that I owe a debt of gratitude for showing me that the best diet is paying attention to what you're putting into your body and trying to get some exercise. (I also owe a great deal of gratitude to my wife, but you knew that if you are paying attention.)

I am aware that life isn't all about fitness levels, but I have to tell you - Feeling healthy - sure makes the rest of life a heckuva lot easier to tackle. But we can talk about that another time.

Today - I tip the scales some 30 pounds lighter (pre-vacation - although I'm trying to keep it sensible) and though I've more to go, I'm happy - where I am.

Because the lesson is - If you're not happy where you are...

Um, maybe you should find a way to get there.

Writing today from the Isle of Palm, and happy where I am.

Resolved for Dummies

As I paddled backwards I watched Netter working on her reel and line and realized that for the first time, in pretty much ever, I was going to have to do this myself.

Patiently, I maneuvered the canoe so it angled just so. Quietly I put down my paddle and picked up my rod. A quick side arm flick of the wrist putting my line exactly where I knew he was...

Pow, the fish grabbed my artificial worm and started to swim.

Furiously I started to reel him in, then remembered that I needed to be more patient and not let him jump, or otherwise find a way to pull away from my line... and there he was.

As I put down my fishing pole and pulled the fish from the water I could see that he wasn’t all that special. Average size, not all that big, not even as big as two I had caught the day before actually, but there was a difference.

I didn’t wait for Netter to help paddle me into position, or wait for her to say: “Good cast Honey,” to know I had gotten it right. I had put all the lessons of our 19 previous trips to Akita, everything Ranger Annette, (as we only half jokingly call her) and her Dad had taught me, grabbed opportunity by the hand and I just caught it. I mean I just did it.

You know... like the Nike commercial.

Incredible satisfaction, the only one of my fish we took a picture of the whole weekend in fact.

Today, I am focusing on that as we mark the 18th anniversary of the passing of our daughter Meghan Joy.

I’m reflecting a lot on past and current successes and wondering why sometimes it takes me so long to learn.

Just do it Jim!

In February of last year I let loose my rant of a lifetime...

Because I wasn’t getting anything done.

For the remainder of 2011 I tried to “get stuff done.”

I had my three words and I tried to stick to those, but as 2012 approached I realized that I wasn’t going to accomplish everything I had set out to in 2011, and I needed to find more time, to get stuff done.

I’ve held off talking about it here because I didn’t want to have yet another - New Year’s or Lenten resolution, reflection, good gawd you’re making me gag with all this mushy, gushy life is too short, fulfill your dreams blah, blah, blah, blah, BLAH... and so on...

But as I sit here today and think about Meghan Joy, the Foundation we have established in her memory, and the children we have helped because of her with our golf tournament and bowling outing, I can’t help but think about how important it is to actually DO things.

After I did that little time study last year I started doing things. Instead of finding systems, and books, and ways to get organized and accomplish more, and blah, blah, blah... I just started doing things.

This pile - where does it go? Move it!
That pile - what do I need to do with that? Do it!
That phone call. That letter. Make it. Send it.

Just do it.

It still becomes quite a process sometimes, and I admit that I still overthink things, and I am very guilty of finding tasks that “need to be done,” to replace tasks that “really need to be done.” (I call this cleaning the junk drawer, a theory derived from this article by one of my favorite writers.)

Still, I’ve been steadily pecking away at things, finding the most success with getting healthy - which I thought would actually be the most difficult of the 3 words I wanted to tackle. (Or maybe getting healthy is cleaning out my junk drawer.)

I've been working on it since March 12 because I was supposed to start working with a trainer that day, but hurt my knee. I had to rehab it anyway so I stuck to the diet part of the deal and started with work in the hot tub, then walking, skating, onto the elliptical, and a new obsession with biking. I just told the trainer I would probably not be back because I really enjoy the cardio work I’ve been doing, although I really do get a lot from being on his email list with the fitness information he shares. I must confess I don’t agree with all of it, but I am learning and also remembering a lot from when I worked out as a young person.  

I've done something every day since with a couple of exceptions. I took the first weekend of March Madness off to spend time with buddies doing what buddies do when they are watching basketball. Would not have been a pretty calorie count, although I did cut out the fried food, pizza, and such after day 1. I also sometimes cheat on Saturdays and depending what I'm doing that can get a little out of hand. I'm coming into this with an open mind trying to learn and make changes that will be long term. As of today I’m proud to report I’ve lost 15 pounds and I’m halfway to my goal.

In the meantime, aside from the health kick I’m just doing the work. It takes me away from the blog and some other mediums more than I’d like, but in the long haul I think it will make for more quality in all areas of my life.

I am resolved to make it so.

Time

You hear it all the time, (heh).

“If I only had more time...”

What?

I spent a lot of time this summer clearing things off my plate. It’s no secret that I have been doing a lot of reflecting, wondering about the “whys” of so many things in my life, and there has always been one consistent.

I am too friecking busy.

Or so I thought...

So, starting in the Spring I began to really look at what exactly was keeping me busy. As we progressed into summer I gave a few projects back, crossed a few things off the list that didn’t really need to get done, or just didn’t hold the same promise that they did when originated and started well, saying “no” sometimes.

I’m not going to lie, the last was the hardest. I don’t like to say no. It feels selfish. It feels wrong. It feels like I don’t want to help people, and that is not me.

But as a friend said to me recently, and Chris Brogan talked about here a few weeks ago saying yes too early or too often has its own set of ramifications.  If you’re working on too many things at once it’s hard to do them all well and then... Well then what are you selling?

Even with that - I felt overwhelmed.

I started to be really guarded with my free time, spending most of it with just family and a select group of friends. I wasn’t shutting anybody out per se, but I was making sure I was doing things that I “wanted” to do.

In August, eager to be rid of my Blackberry I wiped the phone completely clean as soon as I activated my new Droid. Oops!

So many notes tied to so many to do lists were obliterated. I had checked for contacts and pictures, but forgotten completely about all of the other info I had stored in that device.

As I considered the ramifications of this it began to dawn on me that it might actually be a good thing. I knew of only a couple of the things on that list that were “mission critical,” and as I remembered them I jotted them down. The rest... I left to history.

Still, I felt so busy.

If I just had more time...

So a couple weeks ago I started to try and really pay attention to how I was spending my time.

Here’s what I discovered.

Ready?

I waste a LOT of time.

I’m not going to break it down into a lot of intricate detail, but suffice to say that I spend large parts of my days paying attention to details that don’t necessarily lead to getting things done. Not all of it is bad or negative, but it became clear that it was definitely time to figure out what was more important...

The to do list and the stress of not having enough time, or just being comfortable being me?

I think the answer is really a little of both, but for the most part I’m opting for the latter. So, I’ll be revisiting my pockets and looking at what’s left of the to do list and trying to have a lot less stress about the whole process.

I think making sure I can do a few things well instead of a lot of things half-assed, (as my Dad would say) is a better plan in general, and a goal worth working on long term, a goal that will give me more time, or at least help me spend my time better. 

What are you working on?

Serendipity?

Yesterday, the address book in my phone disappeared.

9 years of accumulated data - gone.just.like.that.

Was it backed up?

Ah, another in a long list of “to-dos” that have not been getting done.

The excuse?

In short, I am too busy, too stretched, too tired, too blah, blah, blah...

I don’t really believe in excuses.

I screwed up. I admit it. My fault. I will do better next time. I will reevaluate and find...

The solution?

Well at first, I thought the solution was to focus more, work more, hunker down all weekend, try to get ahead, but then I stopped myself.

Okay, Netter stopped me.

Still, I started to take a second look. Maybe there was a better idea.

It starts with a break which fortuitously Netter and I had already scheduled for this weekend, which has a lot to do with why she stopped me. Who wants a stressed out husband on their weekend break right?

Whew...

Also, time for some sweeping changes on my return...

So at 5:30 today I’m unplugging.

Stop gaping. I mean it.

I’m turning off the notifications. I’m logging out of everything. I’m stepping away from the computer and I’m going to try as hard as I can to stay away from my phone.

Netter tells me I need to learn to say no, to learn my limitations, to learn to give myself a break. “You can’t dwell on what you haven’t done, what you haven’t accomplished,” she says.

And she’s right...

I’m burned out. I’m done. I need to step away. I can’t focus. I can’t sleep. I can’t read more than two sentences in a row, or apparently put more than 3 lines together in a blog post.

This is not the way to move forward.

You can’t change if you don’t do things differently right?

I guess we’ll see what happens...

Have a good weekend!

Pockets

Recently I decided that I have too many to do lists. Not wanting to just let anything go though I decided that I needed a place to collect everything, kind of a brain dump if you will. This was partly because of my summer of rumination and partly because I had run into a couple of conflicts, particularly with my schedule and I found myself saying: “I need to learn to say no.” When Netter agreed with me, I knew I was onto something.

Before I started saying no however, I thought it would only be fair if I at least tried to keep the commitments and obligations I already have in place.

Wow! What a list I found for myself. A lot of ticky tac stuff, some big projects, some projects whose time had passed - the assessment was formidable.

Just look -

 
No, my handwriting is not worth a lick, but I can at least read my own chicken scratch.

How on earth could I ever even dream about catching up and changing my workflow?

What is it Major Winchester used to say on M.A.S.H. ? (Kinda dated myself there didn’t I?)

I do one thing at a time. I do it very well, and then... I move on.

Um, no that won’t work either... That means some folks have to wait longer than others which might be okay most of the time, but not when you’re already playing catchup.

Okay - I need to designate time. I’m calling that time pockets.

Each category or project will have a pocket. Currently there are 6. This is how I’m lining them up. I have a very big, very important project I have to finish first, but as soon as that is finished - these are my pockets.

1. MJB Foundation work - 2 hours every Tuesday until caught up, then every Tuesday thereafter as necessary - at least during down (non-event) times. So, yes this will be very much like regular business hours and if you have something MJB Foundation related you want to discuss, the office opens at 6:30 p.m.

2. Work projects - every Monday - while I’m fresh - could be Network Logix, Library or other career-related activities - anything that moves me forward in the professional realm. I’ve got an awesome family and friends. It’s high time I find my career.

3. Special projects - currently busy with a college football related activity. That comes on Wednesdays until bowl season is up.

4. Writing, blogging prep, (not to be confused with actual blogging which can happen any day.) Social Media maintenance is on Thursdays. Learning to pick my spots better - i.e. I don’t need to sign up for every service and I need to be conscientious about pulling myself off of the platforms I don’t use. Finding time to read and comment on other people’s work and digging my way through hundreds, maybe thousands, (years - yes plural) worth of favorites and must-reads and not letting that all get piled up again are among my other priorities in this area. This medium is very important to me. I think it is worth its own pocket.

5. Fridays and Saturdays are time for family and friends. Time to be social away from the computer screen. If you see me post something on Saturday or Sunday it probably came from my phone. I don’t want to completely miss the conversation on the weekend, but I need to fuel those real-life relationships too.

6. Sundays are time for family and family business.

Now, this doesn’t mean I won’t do other things on those days, but it does mean that I will devote some pocket of time on each of those days to each of those things, and for right now - those are the only things I’m working on on a regular basis. Does that seem fair? Exclusionary? Am I over thinking this?

Hey, a fella has to have a plan.

Doesn’t he?

What do you think? What are your pockets? Do you have a better or different idea?