I'm Am Not Dead

J. “Hi Honey, How are you?”

A: “I’m fine.”

J: “What are you up to?”

A: “Not much in the 20 minutes since you left...”

So would go the conversation every Tuesday as I drove to my hockey game. I had to call my wife when I was about 10 minutes from the rink...

Because I was afraid I might die on the ice.

I know that sounds overly dramatic, but in looking back on why I always called then, but don’t often call now - I’m realizing that’s why I did it.

I’m 5’7” tall, and I weighed 210 pounds.

I couldn’t give up the game I love, but I also knew I was taking a chance, or at least I felt like it.

I was afraid I might die.

I tell this story now because I’m about to head into the one year anniversary of the weekend where I truly made the decision to lose the weight and make changes to my lifestyle and eating habits.

It’s March Madness Baby!

Every year for the past 10 years I’ve headed out to meet some friends at a local bar and grill for the first weekend of the NCAA College Basketball Tournament. Over the course of the weekend we sample all and any parts of the menu, we have some beverages, we put the outside world aside, and we live basketball for pretty much 72 hours. It’s tradition. I love my friends. I love the camaraderie. I love the good time. Last year, I learned to love the salad.

This year, I love March Madness because it marks a significant point in my life. A point where I had to admit to myself that I felt like crap... a lot, that it was time to take stock, to turn some things around-

to live.

I feel like I’m doing things the right way. It’s not some crazy diet. I didn’t change who I am.

I am not finished.

I am not dead.

Be Happy Where You Are... Part 1

A little series here as I’m on vacation with lots of time to ponder.

Here’s the first installment...

I often think we make things too complicated in our  world. We never seem to be satisfifed with what we have, where we are. We're always on the lookout for ways to get ahead, to make ourselves better, to change things, to... well just be different.

Here's my question

What's wrong with where we are?

I was at breakfast with an old friend a few weeks ago. He's seen a fair share of trials and tribulations in the last few years, but I could tell as we were talking that he's come to a place where he is finally - happy.

We talked a great deal about what's been going on in our lives, family, kids, jobs, and such. When we were finished he said: "I'm just happy where I am you know. 'Be happy where you are, that's all that matters.'"

It struck me that I feel very much the same way. I've spent sooooooo much time over the last few years trying to change, to adjust, to get better. It's all chronicled here, over and over, time after time...

But lately?

Not so much.

In March of this year I stepped on the scale. The number I'm ashamed to say was a whopping 210 pounds. I know there are bigger numbers, people who weigh more, but at all of 5' 7" - 210 is a pretty big number. I admit I walked around in shock for a few hours that day, trying to convince myself that it didn't mean anything. After all, I had been gaining weight for quite sometime. I've talked before here about weighing 202. Obviously, that didn't bother me as much as I thought it did - Because now I weighed 210.

Now, if you ask me I'll tell you, but I'm not going to break down all the hows  and whys today. I will share that there's an app called "myfitnesspal," that I owe a debt of gratitude for showing me that the best diet is paying attention to what you're putting into your body and trying to get some exercise. (I also owe a great deal of gratitude to my wife, but you knew that if you are paying attention.)

I am aware that life isn't all about fitness levels, but I have to tell you - Feeling healthy - sure makes the rest of life a heckuva lot easier to tackle. But we can talk about that another time.

Today - I tip the scales some 30 pounds lighter (pre-vacation - although I'm trying to keep it sensible) and though I've more to go, I'm happy - where I am.

Because the lesson is - If you're not happy where you are...

Um, maybe you should find a way to get there.

Writing today from the Isle of Palm, and happy where I am.

Resolved for Dummies

As I paddled backwards I watched Netter working on her reel and line and realized that for the first time, in pretty much ever, I was going to have to do this myself.

Patiently, I maneuvered the canoe so it angled just so. Quietly I put down my paddle and picked up my rod. A quick side arm flick of the wrist putting my line exactly where I knew he was...

Pow, the fish grabbed my artificial worm and started to swim.

Furiously I started to reel him in, then remembered that I needed to be more patient and not let him jump, or otherwise find a way to pull away from my line... and there he was.

As I put down my fishing pole and pulled the fish from the water I could see that he wasn’t all that special. Average size, not all that big, not even as big as two I had caught the day before actually, but there was a difference.

I didn’t wait for Netter to help paddle me into position, or wait for her to say: “Good cast Honey,” to know I had gotten it right. I had put all the lessons of our 19 previous trips to Akita, everything Ranger Annette, (as we only half jokingly call her) and her Dad had taught me, grabbed opportunity by the hand and I just caught it. I mean I just did it.

You know... like the Nike commercial.

Incredible satisfaction, the only one of my fish we took a picture of the whole weekend in fact.

Today, I am focusing on that as we mark the 18th anniversary of the passing of our daughter Meghan Joy.

I’m reflecting a lot on past and current successes and wondering why sometimes it takes me so long to learn.

Just do it Jim!

In February of last year I let loose my rant of a lifetime...

Because I wasn’t getting anything done.

For the remainder of 2011 I tried to “get stuff done.”

I had my three words and I tried to stick to those, but as 2012 approached I realized that I wasn’t going to accomplish everything I had set out to in 2011, and I needed to find more time, to get stuff done.

I’ve held off talking about it here because I didn’t want to have yet another - New Year’s or Lenten resolution, reflection, good gawd you’re making me gag with all this mushy, gushy life is too short, fulfill your dreams blah, blah, blah, blah, BLAH... and so on...

But as I sit here today and think about Meghan Joy, the Foundation we have established in her memory, and the children we have helped because of her with our golf tournament and bowling outing, I can’t help but think about how important it is to actually DO things.

After I did that little time study last year I started doing things. Instead of finding systems, and books, and ways to get organized and accomplish more, and blah, blah, blah... I just started doing things.

This pile - where does it go? Move it!
That pile - what do I need to do with that? Do it!
That phone call. That letter. Make it. Send it.

Just do it.

It still becomes quite a process sometimes, and I admit that I still overthink things, and I am very guilty of finding tasks that “need to be done,” to replace tasks that “really need to be done.” (I call this cleaning the junk drawer, a theory derived from this article by one of my favorite writers.)

Still, I’ve been steadily pecking away at things, finding the most success with getting healthy - which I thought would actually be the most difficult of the 3 words I wanted to tackle. (Or maybe getting healthy is cleaning out my junk drawer.)

I've been working on it since March 12 because I was supposed to start working with a trainer that day, but hurt my knee. I had to rehab it anyway so I stuck to the diet part of the deal and started with work in the hot tub, then walking, skating, onto the elliptical, and a new obsession with biking. I just told the trainer I would probably not be back because I really enjoy the cardio work I’ve been doing, although I really do get a lot from being on his email list with the fitness information he shares. I must confess I don’t agree with all of it, but I am learning and also remembering a lot from when I worked out as a young person.  

I've done something every day since with a couple of exceptions. I took the first weekend of March Madness off to spend time with buddies doing what buddies do when they are watching basketball. Would not have been a pretty calorie count, although I did cut out the fried food, pizza, and such after day 1. I also sometimes cheat on Saturdays and depending what I'm doing that can get a little out of hand. I'm coming into this with an open mind trying to learn and make changes that will be long term. As of today I’m proud to report I’ve lost 15 pounds and I’m halfway to my goal.

In the meantime, aside from the health kick I’m just doing the work. It takes me away from the blog and some other mediums more than I’d like, but in the long haul I think it will make for more quality in all areas of my life.

I am resolved to make it so.

Time

You hear it all the time, (heh).

“If I only had more time...”

What?

I spent a lot of time this summer clearing things off my plate. It’s no secret that I have been doing a lot of reflecting, wondering about the “whys” of so many things in my life, and there has always been one consistent.

I am too friecking busy.

Or so I thought...

So, starting in the Spring I began to really look at what exactly was keeping me busy. As we progressed into summer I gave a few projects back, crossed a few things off the list that didn’t really need to get done, or just didn’t hold the same promise that they did when originated and started well, saying “no” sometimes.

I’m not going to lie, the last was the hardest. I don’t like to say no. It feels selfish. It feels wrong. It feels like I don’t want to help people, and that is not me.

But as a friend said to me recently, and Chris Brogan talked about here a few weeks ago saying yes too early or too often has its own set of ramifications.  If you’re working on too many things at once it’s hard to do them all well and then... Well then what are you selling?

Even with that - I felt overwhelmed.

I started to be really guarded with my free time, spending most of it with just family and a select group of friends. I wasn’t shutting anybody out per se, but I was making sure I was doing things that I “wanted” to do.

In August, eager to be rid of my Blackberry I wiped the phone completely clean as soon as I activated my new Droid. Oops!

So many notes tied to so many to do lists were obliterated. I had checked for contacts and pictures, but forgotten completely about all of the other info I had stored in that device.

As I considered the ramifications of this it began to dawn on me that it might actually be a good thing. I knew of only a couple of the things on that list that were “mission critical,” and as I remembered them I jotted them down. The rest... I left to history.

Still, I felt so busy.

If I just had more time...

So a couple weeks ago I started to try and really pay attention to how I was spending my time.

Here’s what I discovered.

Ready?

I waste a LOT of time.

I’m not going to break it down into a lot of intricate detail, but suffice to say that I spend large parts of my days paying attention to details that don’t necessarily lead to getting things done. Not all of it is bad or negative, but it became clear that it was definitely time to figure out what was more important...

The to do list and the stress of not having enough time, or just being comfortable being me?

I think the answer is really a little of both, but for the most part I’m opting for the latter. So, I’ll be revisiting my pockets and looking at what’s left of the to do list and trying to have a lot less stress about the whole process.

I think making sure I can do a few things well instead of a lot of things half-assed, (as my Dad would say) is a better plan in general, and a goal worth working on long term, a goal that will give me more time, or at least help me spend my time better. 

What are you working on?

Because

Yesterday Netter and I joined some friends to help them celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. It was quite an occasion with many friends and relatives joining in, poems and songs, stories and even a prayer or two. If I’m lucky, we will get to celebrate 50 years one day too. (Netter and I have been married for 20 years last June.)

Now when I say some friends I should mention that these were really Netter’s friends which is why I’m telling this story. Netter grew up with these folks and their kids. The fact is I had only met one or two members of the family and then only in passing.

On the way home Netter and I had this conversation.

Netter: Thank you for coming today.
Me: Why are you thanking me? Why wouldn’t I have come?
Netter: Well, I know you didn’t know these folks. You said you have a lot you wanted to do today while you were off. I just want to thank you for taking the time.
Me: Honey, something that is being lost, well really within our generation is “doing the right thing.” Yes, I don’t know these folks. Yes, I have a lot I’d like to work on, but here’s the thing... This was important to you. I could tell how excited you were to see these folks and help them celebrate. I could tell how much they mean to you by listening to you tell stories from your childhood and beyond. I could even tell how important it was to you that I dress up a little bit, but thanks for letting me wear shorts. Anyway, if it’s that important to you, then it’s that important to me. It’s just the right thing to do.

Now, I’m not patting myself on the back for all this. I didn’t really do this on purpose so to speak. The truth is I don’t know what I would have done if Netter had said ahead of time that I could stay home. I do have a lot to do. I’ve got a list a mile long and a goal I’d like to reach for managing my time better. I’m quickly losing patience with myself at that goal gets delayed.

But that didn’t matter yesterday.

I think I did the right thing. I wish more folks would do the right thing more often. I fear that’s getting lost and I’m not sure we will get it back.

What do  you think?

Summing Things Up

This might get a bit rambly... What?

Of course rambly is a word. Check back for a link. Um, sometime...

Anyway, if you don't want to stick around for rambly that's okay. I'll be back soon with something different.

Still reading?

Last week, as I was finally whittling my way toward the bottom of the pile, (Yes, it really took that long.) Netter asked me what I was working on.

Without missing a beat, I replied. "I'm working on a bunch of 'little crap.'"

Now, obviously it wasn't "crap," but I am involved now with all the little things like Census forms, and property value paperwork, voter registration and life insurance minutiae, which even my insurance man grimaces about. In short, all the stuff that has to be filled out, sent in, dealt with whether we want to or not.

Of course, I've also got things that just don't fit in that box either, paperwork that needs to be filed when you buy something new, junk mail, and other stuff that piles up that we don't know what to do with and only deal with when the piles get that big.


Or - THAT BIG!

I have an incredibly difficult time applying myself to these types of tasks, but instead of moving past them or ignoring them they tend to hang me up entirely. I end up watching a bunch of television I wouldn't ordinarily have watched or surfing the web, or checking Facebook or Twitter, or... I'm guessing you get the picture.

So, here's what I'm doing to get myself motivated.

Ready?

I'm calling Timeout.

What does that mean?

It means that until I get those things done and progress beyond them I'm not adding any commitments or any other tasks, at least not during the work week.

I figure if I really apply myself it shouldn't take me more than a week or two to get on track.

But this isn't really just about my "to-do" list.

As part of staying on track and keeping on track I am renewing my commitment to my blog and to social media. I have been really evaluating my time in the space lately, figuring out if I belong, where I might fit in, what I'm missing, what I've tucked away and forgotten about, and how I might do better, learning how to scale as it were so that the time I do spend is quality time not only for me, but for everybody. For instance I've been using Foursquare, but I'm not sure I'm seeing the value from that tool as much as I just feel like I'm broadcasting my location to folks who may not care. (More on Foursquare in a later post.)

A friend asked me last week if I ever do anything "a little bit?" The answer is "No, no I really don't," but I do respect the things I'm doing and the other folks who are involved. Basically, I want to be sure I'm continuing to do that.

The other thing I'm doing is refocusing on my career. I had planned on doing this in the latter part of February, but of course my attention was pulled aside by my boy, who I am happy to say is doing very well. (Though he has turned into a bit of a nocturnal animal, which has been more than a little different. Still, we're figuring things out and making progress.)

So, about refocusing on my career? Yeah, another post maybe, but it is an important step, something I have to do for my sanity. I will say I will be spending a lot of time on my LinkedIn profile and even some time evaluating our finances, calculating risks and such.

I do have one other project I'm working on that is very exciting and may lead to a great opportunity with a local small business, but as nothing is official or even written down yet, I'm afraid I'll have only that to share today. Sorry, I know that's a tease.

I do have one other note, very positive, very happy news. Ms Single Mama has decided to continue blogging, and that makes me very happy. I think her voice is important to a lot of people, myself included, and I'm glad she's going to keep being heard.

What blogs do you read on a regular basis? What projects are you caught up in?

What are you rambling about?

Of Bounce Houses and Ballpits...

On my way into work the other day I noticed that one of my neighbors has a Christmas bounce house in their front yard. I have to admit a part of me wants to stick it with a pin.

I know, kinda Scroogish, eh? Grinchish if you prefer even. At least that's what folks on Facebook & Twitter said when I asked about it.

Really though, there is a reason I have issues with bounce houses, and ball pits, trampolines, and even Christmas & New Years. (What? I had to stick to all inanimate objects?) It's pretty simple really.

I think they're all over-hyped things that end up, (with few exceptions) being HUGE disappointments. Dreams unrequited. Bitter tear-stained lists never completed. Injury upon injury. Crushing blow upon crushing blow...

Okay, maybe that's a little too dramatic. Let's break this down...

The first time I went into a bounce house I got stuck in a corner, couldn't get out and eventually had to actually be rescued feet first. The second time - an overcrowded mess. Nobody could jump.

But the third time... I had the bounce house all to myself. I could bounce to my heart's content. It was mine, all mine. Mwahahahahahaha!

Wait a minute:

Who wants to go in a bounce house alone?

BoooooooooRRRRiiinnnnnggggg!!!!!

Pretty similar experience with the ballpit. Only if you dive head first into the ballpit, and it's not really "full" enough as it were... Did you know that you could hit your head and maybe cause permanent brain damage?!!???!! Okay, maybe not permanent. (Would explain a lot though, eh? ;-)

Trampolines? Well, I ask you - How could anyone who has seen the movie Big ever think any ordinary trampoline could ever be worth their while?!? (And, oh by the way, why can't I find that scene on YouTube?) If you don't know the scene I'm talking about - go out and rent the movie.

Now!

You still here?

Moving on - Christmas? New Years? No, no. I don't have any detailed lists or stories. I've talked before about my issues with Christmas and New Years, and I think it's pretty clear that while I do have issues with certain areas of these two holidays, I also have come to terms with finding my own way to deal with them.

Huh?

Here's what I'm getting at.

If my 40th year was my year of inventory, then my 41st year has been my year of recognition. And the thing I've recognized the most is this:

Life is what you make of it.

You may have noticed I've been away from the blog and only found intermittently in the usual spots online in the past month or so. There's a few reasons for that, a few I'd rather not discuss, and a few I'm sure I'll discuss in the coming year. We're just gonna leave it at that for now.

As I review 2009, I'm recognizing that my life is a bit cyclical. Parts of that cycle are good. Parts of that cycle need to be changed. I need to make more of an effort to do that. So, that's where I'm going from here.

I need to find a way to adjust, to accept, to enjoy the bounce house and the ballpit, very much like I've come to terms with Christmas and New Years, and I cannot do it alone.

Wanna come with me?

Age Is Just a Number - Right?

They say that age is just a number, but I'm having serious doubts today.

I like to say I'm forever a teenager... Today I feel about 160.

Let me share the story. You know there has to be a story.

For some 40-odd years I have been trying to successfully do a front flip off the diving board, and for some 40-odd years I have failed to get past "maybe" landing on my knees and usually on my back.

I almost made it when I was in South Carolina earlier last month visiting my cousin. Look how close I came...




Yeah, no it wasn't even close.

As I said, the best I could do was land on my knees - sorta.

I could never seem to get all the way around. A silly thing I know, but something I've just always wanted to be able to do. You gotta have goals right?

So, I have continued to try and try again...

No matter the pool, no matter the season, if I had the opportunity to try to do a flip I usually would at least give it a try.

When I was in South Carolina it began to dawn on me after all these years that I needed a board with a lot more spring than is ordinarily found at public pools. After all, I was making it around to my knees there, and there had to be a reason (i.e. their board had more spring than usual), so that had to be it. (Hey, what can I say, I've never claimed to be the sharpest tack on the bulletin board.)

Fast forward to last Sunday - we were swimming with some friends from the "nayvorhood," (aka friends who live in the same neighborhood in Powell), and there was a diving board.

It didn't look to have much spring from across the pool, but I knew I would have to check it out at some point - you know, just a dive to see for sure.

"Do your flip. Jim will do a flip."

Netter caught me looking at the board. She knew exactly what I was thinking.

"Nah. I don't need to do that," I said laughing. "I'm gettin' too old for that kinda stuff."

Yeah right Jim.

The board stared at me all day, beckoning. After some time had passed and most of our friends had left I ventured down to you know just take a dive. Bravely I approached the board. One, two steps and...

WOOOOAAAHHH...!!!!!!!

Not only did this thing have spring, I had missed the center point and was now hurtling head first towards the right side of the pool. I quickly corrected, and tucked the dive in just as I felt my feet flipping over my head, thankfully as I was entering the water.

No spring my eye...

Still, I did not immediately attempt the flip. Truthfully, I kinda freaked out a little bit inside. It had been a long time since I felt out of control in the water. I wasn't sure what to make of it.

After a while though I ventured forth. After all, while a tad frightening, the spring in this board held great promise and I did have this lifelong goal to consider.

Carefully, I again mounted the ladder and positioned myself in the center of the board.

One, two...

Tuck... now turning and...

Holy Crap! I made it. I actually made it arou... SPLAT!!!!

I did make it around. I made it so far around that I started turning again - until my head and my right shoulder slammed into the water. (Apparently I always jump a little to the right.)

Slowly I swam to the ladder and got out of the pool. Netter was waiting for me, and even though it was ugly, it was a success. I wanted to know if she saw it.

"A lot springier than you thought huh?!" She said.

"That is hard water!" I exclaimed

We laughed and laughed. One of my friends was watching the dive. He laughed too. I shared the tale with my friends who had left when we met them later for dinner. We all thought it was just hilarious.

Two days later - Man I feel old. My face is okay. My shoulder... Well, I'm having a hard time reaching for my coffee cup, or raising my arm to get things out of the cupboard. I know what a shoulder separation feels like, and folks I think we've got money in the bank. I'm feeling pretty beat up indeed.

But - I accomplished that goal - and it was worth it, worth every ache, worth every one of my "160 years old." Shoulders heal after all.

Now, I just need to work on that landing.

Do you have a lifelong goal?

Tell me your story.